| thanks babe.. tagged |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|03:16 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | music tag | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | beth hart | ] |
matt tagged me on this a few days ago, thought i'd go ahead and do it!
Sorry if it seems kind of depressing/melodramatic, i'm just dealing wih a lot of shit right now!
1. Are you male or female?
Just a Girl
I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
2. Describe yourself.
Shattered
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
3. What do people feel when they're around you?
I Feel Fantastic (lol!)
I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now.
I feel fantastic
And I never felt as good as how I do right now
Except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day
When I felt the way that I do right now, right now, right now.
4. How would you describe your previous relationship?
Mercy
Before just the daylight
Come and i stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Flying to nowhere
Is better than somewhere
That's where i've been and nothing's changed
5. Describe your current relationship.
Realize
It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go
6. Where would you want to be now?
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?
7. How do you feel about love?
Better in Time
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm going to be ok
Love won't always be so scarey
8. What's your life like?
Hiding Under Water
You say you got a feeling
You figured out the writing on the wall
And angels on the ceiling
Dont calm you, when you call
So you found you're own religion
And search your heart for something more
Stood naked in the kitchen, trying to wipe yourself off of the floor
9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Is That Too Much To Ask
Just make it real & make it last
Someday maybe I'll understand
this crazy old life is in my hands
Someday maybe I'll figure it out
Somebody help me
Anybody tell me
Wish me luck
Give me somethin'
Help me out
And I'll go there
Wish me luck
Give me somethin'
Just make it real & make it last
10. Say something wise.
Soul Shine
When you can't find the light
That got you through a cloudy day
When the stars aint't shinning bright
You feel like you've lost your way
When those candle lights of home
Burn so very far away
Well you got to let your soul shine
Just like she used to say
She used to say soulshine
It's better than sunshine
It's better than moonshine
Damn sure better than the rain
And if the people don't mind
We all feel this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine through the break of day
Growing up I knew I'd never have it made
But I thought I could make it on my own
But life can take the strongest man
Make him feel so alone
Now sometimes I feel the cold wind
Blowing through my aching bones
I think back to what he would say
He said girl it's the darkest before the dawn
Let your soul shine
It's better than sunshine
It's better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
And if the people don't mind
We all feel this way sometimes
You got to let your soul shine
Shine through the break of day
Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness
Like a woman has a shot down to this very soul
A woman too God knows she can feel like this
And when the world seems cold
You got to let your spirit take control
You got to let your soul shine
It's better than sunshine
It's better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
And if the people don't mind
We all feel this way sometimes
You got to let your soul shine
Shine through the break of day |
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| Writer's Block |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|01:37 am] |
Why did you choose your user name? Is there any special meaning or story behind it? Submitted by </a></b></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lilbananapie
<input ... > View other answers |
Laveer La*veer"\, v. i. [D. laveren.] (Naut.) To beat against the wind
'nuff said. |
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| hello :) |
[Aug. 10th, 2008|01:37 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | this is my now | ] |
Sorry i haven't written in sooooooo long.
Well, I have a biopsy in two weeks and I am confident in the fact that everything is fine and that i'm already in remission. I've already decided to not go for another round of chemo just to be sure and i'm not doing radiation, either. Don't harp on me for it, i've already made up my decision and I already know im fine. I have my reasons, matt and other people know, but i don't feel like going into detail about it here.
In other words, I FEEL GREAT! well, about 95% of the time!
Still not working, but i dont even care about that anymore, either.
I'm joining the Army! I'm super excited. So far everything is good. Just need proof that i've been in remission for 30 days before i can leave. Right now it looks like i'll be leaving in about 2 months. Which is perfect because i need to get in shape. My Sgt. is getting me a free membership to urban active and a trainer to help out. I feel really good about my decision. I don't want to do navy or marines, i've heard too many negatives about it. Marines are way too hard core and I'd rather sleep in a tent or stuck in the woods for months than be stuck in a tiny boat in the middle of nowhere for months. I've considered the Air Force, but i'm not sure. I don't want to fly anything and I don't want to jump out of a plane, so why bother?
My parents are starting to accept that i'll be leaving soon, as are my friends. My grandmother cried when I told her, but is now doing better. I still haven't told my sister, but I will soon. I got an 80 on my asvab which is wonderful so I can do pretty much anything I want while in the Army. I know i'll end up over seas, but I'm confident that i'll be okay.
Other than that, nothing is really going on!
I miss everyone, I'll see you all soon! Promise! |
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| little bit of everything |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|11:07 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | life | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | broken- lifehouse | ] |
Today has been such a long, emotional day.
Blahhh.
I couldn't fall asleep at all last night, i was laying in bed until I finally difted off around 4am and unfortunatly had to be up at 730 to be at the clinic for chemo at 9. I hate chemo weeks, I hate getting up early. The nurses have been having really hard times trying to find viens on me lately, due to a stupid nurse collapsing 4 of my viens last week. They are all still bruised, especially one. I'm so ready to have this round of chemo be done. I'm ready for the biopsy, i'm ready for the results (ahhhem, which will be normal) so that I can start oral chemo. I just want this to work out.
Then I went to a therapist for an evaluation. Seems I am struggling lately with.. well. Just dealing with life itself, my emotions and my past. The guy was really nice and recomended some long term therapy. I haven't decided if i'll do it or not yet.
Brad is back full time with his mom/dad. i miss that kid. i'm hoping i can do something with him soon.
Was at Jayson's today (because he freaking rocks) to use his computer to send out resume's. I need money. For the past 3 days i've had $22 and have just been sitting with it, waiting to see if anything interesting came up and well, nothing did, so, alas, it was all spent on a little gas and two packs of cigarettes so now i only have one dollar.
i need a job.
anyways, other than that everything has been okay. no real complaints. chemo is going ok so far and i dont feel sick yet this week so that is okay. i've been lucky enough to be able to spend a lot of time with my lady friends, sarah and lillian in particular. these girls rock. thank God for friends.
Ohhh and guess what? I'm starting a somewhat apprentice-ship thing in about two weeks, Lillian will be teaching me Reiki 1-3 (which will take awhile) she also teaches energy healing and i'll be following her and learning from the best. I'm super excited as I am very interested in it, when she does Reiki or energy healing on me it always works. I'm excited to learn something new and hopefully within a year i'll be able to afford to take some actual classes so that i can take my state boards.
exciting.
thats all kids. have a good night. |
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| update |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|12:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sia, breathe me | ] |
well, i haven't written in awhile.. haven't really wanted to. it seems like my head is always off in some other direction.
haley, my niece, stayed over with me the past two days and today i got to spend time with her and brad, my brother, which was awesome. i've hardly gotten to see brad lately as he is, after 4 years with us, transitioning to go back with his mom and dad. wow, it's harder than i thought it would be. with him going back with them and mother and father's day passing it has seemed to really being my mood down. i usually have a somewhat hard time around mother's and father's day, wondering about my birth parents. how things would be differently if i had stayed with them, why they are the way they are, ect, all the time knowing i could just pick up the phone and call and ask them.. but i wouldn't hear what i want to hear, so i don't.. and i can't mention this to my parents because they will get their feelings hurt, try to understand even though they can't see why i still sometimes wonder and miss two people who did so many bad things to me.
lately i feel like i'm missing a part of me. i'm not happy lately. i feel out of it and not connected to anyone else. i smile, i go places and do things but it just isn't the same. i don't know what i need to do to feel better. i'm not sure if i should just get with one of my close friends and sit down with them and have them just listen to me.. or if i should find someone i hardly know and just completely get everything out of me and be able to walk away knowing that it's out of me and that i wont have to face them or these feelings again..
i just dont know.
and my leg is bothering me. i don't thing i've mentioned the problem with my leg in here. there is a localized spot on my right thigh that is warm to the touch and numb to the touch, but, if i press down on that spot even just a little it hurts very badly. and it feels like my bone is starting to hurt, that whole spot down to my bone just aches sometimes. and it's getting worse. and lately i'm really very tired and not hungry at all, even on my non chemo days, and i'm just not sure what to do about it. i know i should cal my dr and make an appointment asap, my next app. scheduled is in a month, and i really can't afford to make one sooner. i dont have health insurance and i have to pay them $40 everytime i go, and i just don't have that money at any one time because all i do is babysit a few nights a week.. and on top of that i don't want to know whats wrong. i'm scared. with my health the way it is, who knows what it could be. i have a feeling but i dont even want to say it, or type it.
i dont know.
i know i wrote a lot of crap in here. and i'm sorry that it's so much and i'm sorry if it's confusing. i hope everyone is doing well. |
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| nothing, really. |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|11:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
So, the past few days have been awfully blah-ish. I'm not feeling well at all. I have a slight fever and some crappy cold/allergy thing going on. all i know is that it's extremely annoying and my body is extremely tired.
everything is going okay, though. i need a part time job that pays decent and offers health insurance. i'm not sure if working is the best idea, but i have to pay for my bills and i need health insurance. my dr bills are outrageous.
everything else is going okay. i've seen matt more times these past few days than i think i did all last week, so that is also a big plus.
i need some ideas on things to do. i'm really very bored these days. i need something to do during the late morning/early afternoon, you know, while matt is sleeping or before i babysit/go out with the girls. any ideas? anyone else bored during these times?? let me know!
wow, there really is nothing to write about.
hope everyone is doing okay |
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| life |
[May. 31st, 2008|11:40 pm] |
today was such a blah day. i didn't get to really do anything that I had planned on doing. i was supposed to go to half priced books with matt and jayson to sell some books and go to robbie and christina's to watch them play d&d but didn't get to do either one. my mom wanted to hang out with me. man, she gave me the biggest guilt trip.
i don't mind being with her, but sometimes i guess i dont see a point to it because it's not like we do a damn thing. we finally did something at 6 when we went to my sister's house, jennifer, for dinner and to watch over her dead body. it was good to see jennifer, she really does rock.
i've been trying to enjoy my chemo free week, but unfortunatly i haven't really felt good most of the week. :( that makes me sad.
i still need to figure out how to pay my phone bill and call some places about the 2nd opinion that the assessment people sent me to.
this is a really scattered, pointless post, but i guess i just wanted to put something out there since it had been a few days.
oh well, it's late and i have to get up early to help my friend sarah move into her new place.
matt, i miss you! i'm sorry we've hardly gotten to hang out this week.
xoxo
raechyl |
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| for matt |
[May. 27th, 2008|01:46 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | survey | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ani difranco | ] |
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A. yes
2) What was your dream growing up?
A. to be a mom. and to help people
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. wow. there are a lot of talents. like write better, say no more often to ice cream, don't drink as much, the ability to save money! and be more positive, like you are.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. lol you should definitely already know this answer
5) Favorite vegetable?
A. peas!
6) What was the last book you read?
A. heroin diaries.. it was really, really good, too.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A. capricorn
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A. i have 4 tattoos. foot, ankel, around my wrist, on my wrist
9) Worst Habit?
A. there is a lot. smoking, cussing, being lazy, i'm definitely not very nice sometimes, selfish.
10) If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?
A. if i didn't know you, then no. i don't trust people. but now you should call me first, you know i'd pick you up!
11) What is your favorite sport?
A. i like to run and play tennis.
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. it's more negative when it comes to life. i'm not neccessarily a negative person, i just figure if i think the worst will happen, i'm not upset if it does and i'm surprised and happy when it doesn't. that way i can't be let down. when it comes to people i'm more optimistic, i like to meet people and give them a chance
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. i have no idea. i'd probably flip out and then pass out. what would you like to do once i woke back up? lol.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. thats neither here nor there.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. i count in spanish? lol.. uh, duckie is my favorite person in the whole world.
16) Do you have any pets?
A. doodle bug! and lola.
17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. okay
18) What was your first impression of me?
A. i thought you were nice and easy to talk to. i believe the first time we met you and jason were talking about something and i walked outside and called him a bitch and then he called me one back, hah, i miss jason.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. scary
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. i want to shed some pounds again
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. it depends, whats the crime and how well did you think it out? lol
22) What color eyes do you have?
A. hazel
23) Ever been arrested?
A. no!
24) Bottle or can soda?
A. bottle
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A. pay bills. then either put a down payment on a car or move out.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. my room, i'm weird!
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. yes
29) Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
A. watch movies, read, be with my friends
30) Do you swear a lot?
A. not a lot, but too often
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. i'm not sure
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. different
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A. whats the question? do i believe in it or appreciate it? yes to both
35) Do you believe in God?
A. yes
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. well i'm posting it now so your turn |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2008|12:15 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "breathe me" by sia | ] |
well this is my first entry in livejournal. not a lot to say, really. it took me forever to get this thing started, i'm guessing that livejournal doesn't like me much. oh well.
i'm stressed out today.
i hate being stressed.
i have to go to this stupid assessment tomorrow, that i shouldn't have to go to, and i lost the paper that tells me where to go. i'm just hoping the address i found online is the right one.
i also forgot to pay my cell bill. it's not like i just spent the money on whatever, but i put the money towards a fine that i have to pay instead of my phone. so in a few days it'll probably be shut off. that stresses me. he whole money thing stresses me. i really need a job.
and getting a job stresses me, too! i'm always sick and i'm not sure if i can do it, but i dont have a choice anymore. i have to.
matt is having money problems too. i feel bad about that. i want to help him save money so that he can go to GenCon, i know he really wants to.
Okay, i think thats enough for now. |
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disappointed
tired